it's me...

So I have this problem. The problem is that often, I start writing a blog post and after reading through it I realize it doesn't at all sound like me. It sounds like someone who's trying to be smart or analytical or over joyful about everything. And that is not me. At least right now it isn't. So here we go. Here is my attempt to sound like nothing other than...me. (Warning: this may cause bad grammar and run on sentences to occur. I'm from the country. It happens.)

So, I've been out of college for over 6 months now. I love not having to worry about homework, papers, and tests but wow! I look back and wonder....why was I so excited for this time of my life to happen again? Ha. Its hard. I mean, I don't have a terrible life and I'm not in the depths of despair or anything but its hard! I'm up to my eyeballs in debt and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing with my life when the end of May comes. Let me describe for you what I mean by no idea.

I don't know where I'm going to live. Will I move? I don't know.

I don't know where I'm going to work. Will I still be a waitress at a sports bar? I don't know.

I don't know what I want to do. Seriously. There is absolutely no plan. Nothing that I'm striving for. Nothing that I'm working towards to be honest, cause I just don't know what I want. I know I need to make X amount of dollars to pay my school bills each month. And thats about it.

This situation stresses me out. Big time.

I am aching to know where the Lord wants me to go and what he wants for my life. Aching. Really.

But today, while I was taking care of my beautiful niece Charlotte I realized something.

You see, this morning she was not very patiently waiting for her morning bottle to be ready. She was crying and carrying on and getting even more upset when she saw the bottle because she wanted it and I wasn't giving it to her yet. But it wasn't ready. I literally said to her, "Charlotte when have I not fed you? When have I not given you what you need? Don't you know that I'm going to feed you every time?"

Well, when the bottle was finally ready I fed her and she was a happier girl but she still was fussy. She needed some rest which I knew before but it wasn't time yet. Eventually, I carried her to her bed and let her sleep. Then, when she got up she was crying. Waiting for someone to get her out of bed. And thats when it hit me.

When it comes to me and where I am at with my relationship with the Lord, I am just like the little nine and a half month old little girl that I take care of throughout the week.

I cry and say "Lord, how am I going to do this? How am I going to make enough money to pay my bills? I feel like I have to do this all on my own." And he says, "Allie, when have I not provided for you? When have I not given you what you need?" And later, when I fuss and carry on again, he picks me up and gives me rest. He lets me rest in peace. And when I get up and face new challenges and cry because I think I have been abandoned and think I am all alone, He is there to meet me.

So yes. The past few months have been hard. But I am learning to find joy in each day. I am learning to be content with where I am right now, in the present. I am fighting to see all that the Lord has given me and be at peace with it. I am searching for the Lord and trying to trust in him. I ache to know what it is he has for my life but I know....I know that he has me where I am for a reason. So I fight the feelings that tell me I have failed. I fight the temptation to surrender to the enemy and give my life away. I fight to remain faithful to God.

And I do it all with the help of my loving Savior who has ALWAYS taken care of my needs. Who ALWAYS gives me rest when he knows I need it most. And who is always there to greet me when I feel alone. Without him I would be nothing.

sticking it to the man...

I love doing exactly what professors tell you NOT to do. It goes something like this:

"Do not wait to start reading till the end of the semester. "

-Yeah right. Like I'm gonna read this stupid textbook every week for the entire semester just so I don't have to stay up all night 3 days in a row and still not get it all done. Cramming all the reading into 3 consecutive days sounds much more appealing. And a WAY better way to learn anyways. Right???

"Do NOT wait to start studying till I send out the study guide. You should be going over class notes and power points WAY before I post the study guide."

-Yeah. That's a nice sentiment. Maybe a good suggestion. But I have things to do man! Like work and chat with my best friend on Skype! Hello! I think I'll just wait till the day of the final and cram it all in in a matter of 3 1/2 hours. (That 3 1/2 hour cram session just happens to be what I'm avoiding at the moment. It can wait right?

"Do NOT get answers from your buddies when doing this take home final."

-Okay. I actually do follow this one. Promise! Who do you think I am! Some kind of cheater?!?! For real. I can answer the questions to this take home final all by myself thank you very much!

"I suggest you take your paper to the Writing Center. They will help you get a good flow going for your paper and catch errors that you may miss. It is a VERY useful resource."

-I'm sorry but, no. The Writing Center is about as unpredictable as Indiana weather. You may go in and have a very sweet girl look at your paper, read through it with you and offer really helpful suggestions. OR you may go in and be forced to meet with a girl with a "holier than thou" attitude in the realm of English and grammar. I'm sorry...what did you just say? I need to work on my subject verb agreement? I'm having a little trouble with my past participles? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? Are you even speaking English right now? How bout you just correct what I screwed up and we call it a day. Actually, no....I'd rather not push my luck by going to the Writing Center. I'll just take my chances and pay for it later.

Now, I must admit. These examples of sticking it to the man all center around one thing. PROCRASTINATION! Yup. I think that is the thing I have learned most thoroughly in my college career. "How long can I put this off and still get it done and receive a good grade?" is a thought that very frequently crosses my mind. I very likely can't go to the Writing Center at 3 in the morning when I finally get my paper done for my 9:25 class. Oh and did I mention that I'm not even done with the paper and that I'm planning on editing it and adding one more source at 6 in the morning the day its due? Yeah that happened. For shame. Can you say...SENIOR??

Okay but really. I have appreciated all of my professors. Some more than others, but still, they all seem to mean well.

"I love ALL if God's creatures! I just like some of them better stuffed!" -Name that movie!

Well...time to stop avoiding my cram session for Church History! Don't worry John Wesley and Dwight L. Moody. I will put of studying the wonderful things you did NO LONGER! :)

graduation

My undergraduate college career is almost over. It is so weird. Why do we always thing that being a a senior is so fun? Everybody acts like it the best year ever. But its been kind of difficult. Not in a terrible, dark, depressing way. But it has been difficult. I think though, that I've learned the most in this year.

I've learned that we can truly serve God wherever we are. He's not always going to call us to go somewhere. But that doesn't mean that he doesn't want to use you right where you are.

I've learned that I desire too much to get to the next step. I want to enjoy where I'm at, in that moment. Not wish away the days by always looking ahead.

I've learned the importance of having goals. If we don't we get stuck.

I've learned that my life doesn't have to look like others.

I've learned for the thousandth time that God is faithful.

I've unfortunately learned what it feels like to find out the guy you thought was "yours" had been interested in someone else for weeks. (its not as dramatic as it sounds. but it was a little dramatic)

I've learned what it feels like to question God's love for you. And then experience his love, comfort and grace in a whole new way.

I've learned I'm a terribly impatient person.

I've learned that I am where I am for a reason. Even if I don't understand why.

And I've learned a whole lot more. But I'll stop here.

Here's to the next step in life I'm about to take. (in 13 days to be exact)

Soon I will be walking across a big stage with diploma in hand and hopefully no more than one small tear going down my cheek. Anymore than that would be an embarrassment. But...unfortunately...this girl has tear ducts that do not cooperate with what I find convenient. They have a mind of their own.