it's me...

So I have this problem. The problem is that often, I start writing a blog post and after reading through it I realize it doesn't at all sound like me. It sounds like someone who's trying to be smart or analytical or over joyful about everything. And that is not me. At least right now it isn't. So here we go. Here is my attempt to sound like nothing other than...me. (Warning: this may cause bad grammar and run on sentences to occur. I'm from the country. It happens.)

So, I've been out of college for over 6 months now. I love not having to worry about homework, papers, and tests but wow! I look back and wonder....why was I so excited for this time of my life to happen again? Ha. Its hard. I mean, I don't have a terrible life and I'm not in the depths of despair or anything but its hard! I'm up to my eyeballs in debt and I have no idea what I'm going to be doing with my life when the end of May comes. Let me describe for you what I mean by no idea.

I don't know where I'm going to live. Will I move? I don't know.

I don't know where I'm going to work. Will I still be a waitress at a sports bar? I don't know.

I don't know what I want to do. Seriously. There is absolutely no plan. Nothing that I'm striving for. Nothing that I'm working towards to be honest, cause I just don't know what I want. I know I need to make X amount of dollars to pay my school bills each month. And thats about it.

This situation stresses me out. Big time.

I am aching to know where the Lord wants me to go and what he wants for my life. Aching. Really.

But today, while I was taking care of my beautiful niece Charlotte I realized something.

You see, this morning she was not very patiently waiting for her morning bottle to be ready. She was crying and carrying on and getting even more upset when she saw the bottle because she wanted it and I wasn't giving it to her yet. But it wasn't ready. I literally said to her, "Charlotte when have I not fed you? When have I not given you what you need? Don't you know that I'm going to feed you every time?"

Well, when the bottle was finally ready I fed her and she was a happier girl but she still was fussy. She needed some rest which I knew before but it wasn't time yet. Eventually, I carried her to her bed and let her sleep. Then, when she got up she was crying. Waiting for someone to get her out of bed. And thats when it hit me.

When it comes to me and where I am at with my relationship with the Lord, I am just like the little nine and a half month old little girl that I take care of throughout the week.

I cry and say "Lord, how am I going to do this? How am I going to make enough money to pay my bills? I feel like I have to do this all on my own." And he says, "Allie, when have I not provided for you? When have I not given you what you need?" And later, when I fuss and carry on again, he picks me up and gives me rest. He lets me rest in peace. And when I get up and face new challenges and cry because I think I have been abandoned and think I am all alone, He is there to meet me.

So yes. The past few months have been hard. But I am learning to find joy in each day. I am learning to be content with where I am right now, in the present. I am fighting to see all that the Lord has given me and be at peace with it. I am searching for the Lord and trying to trust in him. I ache to know what it is he has for my life but I know....I know that he has me where I am for a reason. So I fight the feelings that tell me I have failed. I fight the temptation to surrender to the enemy and give my life away. I fight to remain faithful to God.

And I do it all with the help of my loving Savior who has ALWAYS taken care of my needs. Who ALWAYS gives me rest when he knows I need it most. And who is always there to greet me when I feel alone. Without him I would be nothing.