You Know Me

Have you ever heard the song "You Know Me?"  Through listening to Pandora Radio, I discovered this beautiful song.  And oh my word.  I listened to it every day at least twice a day for a week straight.  And cried every time.
I find it so darn comforting.  Listening to the words makes me feel like I've climbed onto the lap of my Father God and I'm comfortably resting my head on his shoulder.  I find it comforting because I can trust that no. matter. what...God knows me.  Therefore, he knows what I need.  And what I can handle.  And that I can endure so much more so much better when I'm resting in his comfort and strength.
So even though there are parts of this season of life that are difficult I can trust that He know ME!!  He knows my heart.  He knows my deepest desires, and he knows best.
It reminds me of Psalm 139.  Which reminds me of a time back in college.
It was Junior year.  I had decided at the beginning of the year to give up dating for an entire year.  No dating, no "talking," no messy emotional relationship with a "guy friend," nada.  It was something that was prompted by the Lord and I knew it was the right thing for me at the time.
You see, I had spent a lot of time caring WAY too much what boys thought of me.  Have you seen Little Women?  My sisters and I watched it all the time growing up and had assigned ourselves to each character, except Beth but she dies anyways so she didn't really count.  Kind of by default, I was Amy. She was the youngest child like myself, but she was SOOOO dramatic, certainly I wasn't quite so dramatic-clearly I had a lot to learn about myself.  Anyways, at one point Amy says, "I've waited my while life to by kissed!"  That was me.  So wanting a boyfriend.  So wanting to be kissed.  After a couple relationships, now broken, I knew something was not right.
I had gotten to the point where I didn't even know what I had to offer in a relationship.  I knew I was a pretty good cook and would possibly be a good mother-but thats it, thats what I had to offer.  I realized that though I was quite "secure" when in a relationship where I had someone who was always there to love and affirm me, I was feeling more insecure as a single 20 year old.
So I began reading Psalm 139 everyday at least once, for a few weeks, maybe a month.  And I was shocked!  As I read it over and over again I began to realize how much God knows about me.  He knows every flaw, He has witnessed every sin; yet, He loves me so much!  And no matter where I go, He's committed to staying beside me.  David says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." in Psalm 139:14.  And since that was recorded and its in the Bible, I believe it is something that is true of all of us.  So I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made, I am a Wonderful work of God!  I began to learn more about the things that were unique to me, and tried to stop longing for the gifts other people had.  And I began to be more okay with who I was.
God is so gracious with us.  And he loves us so much.  And we are so valuable.  And he knows us so intimately and deeply.  And He knows how to take care of you and love on you better than anyone else. Believe it, because its true.
And listen to "You Know Me" when you start to forget.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cVVlMQved8k

Tired

Okay.  Here we go.  A post about life lately.  I'm sorry to say that I'm going to have a hard time putting a happy spin on this one.  And I may not.
So here's the deal.  For about a week, probably longer, I've been on the brink of tears...constantly.
This whole in-transition, limbo thing is getting very, very old.  And I am.
Tired.
I'm tired of getting Christian advice that seems to automatically assume that I must be doing something wrong.  Like I'm not trusting God enough or not surrendering enough.  Like I'm not already talking to Him about the hard things in life and in the Word and praying.  Because I am.  I want to please Him and honor Him, even now.  But the truth is I'm so ready to move on.
I'm tired of feeling like going to college (and getting a degree in psychology) was a waste. (It's tiring having to struggle each month to pay for the degree I'm not using)
I'm tired of answering the question "Sooooo, what are you doing with your life?" (Insert judgmental tone here)
I'm tired of people talking to me and saying, "You can't base decisions on feelings" "Your feelings will lead you astray"  "Don't listen to your feelings!" As if I'm some nim-whit who's basing everything in life on feelings.  I AM NOT!! OKAY?  If I were I would have moved out of my parents house to somewhere else the moment it became uncomfortable and hard to be 24 and living with your parents and not out "living the dream."  Trust me.  I think.  I think a lot.  I do not always do what I feel!  (This has really been bothering me.  Can you tell?)
I'm tired of being shot down and humbled.  I get it okay?  I am nothing.  All I need is you Jesus.  Can I get a little help here?  I'm ready for relief.  I'm ready to breathe deep.
I'm tired of having no idea what I am doing.  I don't feel at peace (I'm realizing now that Satan is getting to me.  Because God does not cause the type of chaos I'm feeling right now.  Eww.  Get away Satan!)  But every time someone gives me Christian advice or tells me I'm too feelings focused I just get more frustrated and I'm filled with more doubt.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS!!
I know that I want a full time job.  I want to be really involved in a church.  I want to be in community with other believers.  I want to help people.  And I want to have my own place where I can have people over and welcome them and be hospitable.  These are not bad things.  Right?  But I'm still not getting them from God.  I feel like I've missed the ride on the favor train.  I feel like these are not worldly desires.  But they still aren't happening.  At least not in the full-time, full-fledged way I'm hoping for.
I've been trying for 2 months to get a full time job and I haven't gotten anything.  I haven't even gotten an interview really.
And I'm looking for jobs in the helping profession!!!!  Seriously?!?!  Aren't there a lot of people that need help out there?  Why don't they want to hire me???
Whoo! Okay...rant over.
Just thought I'd give you a little update. (I bet you wish I hadn't)
So here I am.  Still waiting.  Knowing that I am blessed with food and shelter and enough money to pay the bills each month (which really is pretty amazing).  I know I have so much.  Its just been hard to wait for all the things God has given me a passion to do.
Here I am learning what the Bible says about God's will.  That I need to pray without ceasing, be joyful always, and give thanks always.  That I need to be pure and loving and kind.
God's will is not necessarily for me to always have a job that I find a lot of fulfillment in.
I am totally under construction. (And it hurts, but I know its for a purpose)
I am learning a lot.  
I am an alien in this world.
This is my temporary home.  I will not find perfect fulfillment and joy and peace here.  And while I'm here I must look to God for the joy and peace I crave.
So thats what going on here, how about you?

Perfect Strangers

The other day while checking my email on my phone I saw that I had an email from Twitter showing the people I follow that recently posted something.  Normally I delete these emails right away but this time part of it caught my eye.  It said that Beth Moore had posted…so I clicked on it and it took me to her most recent blog post.  The title was For You In Your 20s and You Who Will Pray For Them.  “Hey!” I thought,  “I’m in my 20s!  I’m gonna read it.” 

I’m glad I did.  It was so great.  You should read it too.  Here’s a little excerpt:

“…That’s when I thought of all of you in his same generation who really do want to honor God and fulfill the purpose for which He planted your feet on this earth.

Here’s what I want to say to you: you really can maintain a pure and fiery heart toward Christ and His mission on earth but make no mistake: you will not do it by accident.

If you want a pure heart, you better be willing to fight for it. You will not keep it any other way.”

You can find the rest here: http://blog.lproof.org/2013/04/for-you-in-your-20s-and-you-who-will-pray-for-them.html

She talked about guarding your heart and many other wonderful things and then she said that anyone in their 20s who wanted prayer could write a request in the comment section and then asked others to claim a person by replying to their comment and saying you will pray for them. 

Well, I decided to go ahead and write down a prayer request.  After I wrote it I started reading some of the other requests.  Most that I read were from women very close to my age and as I read their requests I noticed that all of them (that I saw in that short time) mentioned their husbands.  “Well shoot!” I thought,  “Am I the only single lady on here?  Maybe I should reply to my own request saying that I’m SINGLE and maybe they should pray about that too!”  But the Holy Spirit must have been whispering to me at that moment because I didn’t.  I knew that wasn’t the point.  That’s wasn’t/isn’t what I want to focus on.  I’ve got more important things to worry about than my singleness, darn it!  Praise Jesus! Can I get an amen?  (If you’re single too, don’t worry.  I’m not always this content with my singleness.)

When I went back to her blog a few days later I saw that she had written another post asking for more people to pray because there were more people who were unaccounted for.  She also said not to worry; anyone who didn’t get a reply would be covered in prayer by her ministry team.  So I braced myself for that.  I searched for my request and when I found it I saw that I was one that had received no replies.  I knew this was a possibility but I still felt a pang of jealousy towards the people who had gotten replies…that was until a few days later when I checked again.

When I went back to check one last time I found my post and was happily surprised!  Someone was praying for me!  It was so sweet.  Just think of it.  Perfect strangers were listening to my story and praying…for me!  Oh what a blessing the body of Christ is!  But God hadn’t set out to just make me feel better about the fact that it took awhile for me to get a reply.  His blessing was much bigger than that.  Not just someone was praying for me.  I keep reading and reading and scrolling and scrolling.  And crying and crying.  Name after name.  Women telling me a bit of their story and committing to pray for me for 14 days…and for some, beyond that.  These women are amazing.  They offered their prayers and encouragement and Scripture to me, a perfect stranger!  There were 23 names in all.  23 beautiful women of God.  Oh how incredibly thankful I am for their prayers. 

Every time I think about it I want to bawl my eyes out.  God doesn’t want to just appease me, he wants to AMAZE me!  And he did by sending these 23 women to this post, to my comment, so that they would lift me up in prayer.  Lord I’m amazed by you!  Thank you for sending those perfect, strangers and sisters in Christ to me!